Soccer Spotting

AMERICANS WEARING SOCCER JERSEYS and other examples of MEMORABILIA IN PUBLIC
Photo subject: A precocious, rising star. Showing serious potential at a young age but will take years to fulfill his promise.  Where to find him: Third period pre-calc, Gripping the wheel of a Saturn Ion during his mandatory six hours of professional driving lessons, Eating whatever the hell he wants and not gaining weight at Burger King, Buying Rainbows at PacSun, Stealing a few squirts of Axe body spray from an open canister at Wal-Mart, Announcing “I can’t believe we’re actually juniors!” outside school after turning in his 8-page term paper (plus works cited) about the Teapot Dome Scandal, Sneaking beers in an alley near Emirates Stadium  Team: Arsenal, the only team to finish an English Premier League season undefeated (2003-04). They are also the only team in the EPL that refuses to retain a player after he completes puberty. Players who started or entered as a substitute in Arsenal’s recent season-opening scoreless draw against Newcastle include: Midfielders Jack Wilshere and Emmanuel Frimpong, born in 1992 Goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny and Midfielder Aaron Ramsey, both born in 1990 Fullback Kieran Gibbs, born in 1989. At 22, Grandpa Theo Walcott is in his sixth season with the club. During one solemn team meeting last year, manager Arsene Wenger asked the savvy veteran Walcott to discuss resisting temptation and remaining focused. In his stirring speech, the star striker recalled ascending the Arsenal youth ranks while battling Capri Sun addiction and overcoming a dependence on Tamagotchis, Pogs and Encyclopedia Brown novelas.  American Connection(s): Each summer, Arsenal hosts a four-team tournament called the Emirates Cup. This year’s participants were Arsenal, Paris Saint-Germain, Boca Juniors and the eventual champion New York Red Bulls. Red Bulls forward and former Arsenal Golden Boot-winner Thierry Henry had hoped to play the final five minutes of the Red Bulls/Gunners match for his old club. Although Wenger and the team’s fans loved the idea, the referee would not allow the side-swapping because he decided it would violate the integrity of the promotional, meaningless tournament. The storied London club is also owned by, gasp, an American! Sports nut Stan Kroenke added Arsenal to his arsenal of teams — the trove includes the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche, St. Louis Rams and Colorado Rapids — when he became majority shareholder in Spring 2010. 

Photo subject: A precocious, rising star. Showing serious potential at a young age but will take years to fulfill his promise. 

Where to find him: Third period pre-calc, Gripping the wheel of a Saturn Ion during his mandatory six hours of professional driving lessons, Eating whatever the hell he wants and not gaining weight at Burger King, Buying Rainbows at PacSun, Stealing a few squirts of Axe body spray from an open canister at Wal-Mart, Announcing “I can’t believe we’re actually juniors!” outside school after turning in his 8-page term paper (plus works cited) about the Teapot Dome Scandal, Sneaking beers in an alley near Emirates Stadium 

Team: Arsenal, the only team to finish an English Premier League season undefeated (2003-04). They are also the only team in the EPL that refuses to retain a player after he completes puberty. Players who started or entered as a substitute in Arsenal’s recent season-opening scoreless draw against Newcastle include:

  • Midfielders Jack Wilshere and Emmanuel Frimpong, born in 1992
  • Goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny and Midfielder Aaron Ramsey, both born in 1990
  • Fullback Kieran Gibbs, born in 1989.

At 22, Grandpa Theo Walcott is in his sixth season with the club. During one solemn team meeting last year, manager Arsene Wenger asked the savvy veteran Walcott to discuss resisting temptation and remaining focused. In his stirring speech, the star striker recalled ascending the Arsenal youth ranks while battling Capri Sun addiction and overcoming a dependence on Tamagotchis, Pogs and Encyclopedia Brown novelas. 

American Connection(s): Each summer, Arsenal hosts a four-team tournament called the Emirates Cup. This year’s participants were Arsenal, Paris Saint-Germain, Boca Juniors and the eventual champion New York Red Bulls. Red Bulls forward and former Arsenal Golden Boot-winner Thierry Henry had hoped to play the final five minutes of the Red Bulls/Gunners match for his old club. Although Wenger and the team’s fans loved the idea, the referee would not allow the side-swapping because he decided it would violate the integrity of the promotional, meaningless tournament.

The storied London club is also owned by, gasp, an American! Sports nut Stan Kroenke added Arsenal to his arsenal of teams — the trove includes the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche, St. Louis Rams and Colorado Rapids — when he became majority shareholder in Spring 2010. 

AMERICAN CELEB WEARING A SOCCER JERSEY of the WEEK

Photo subject: Kalculating, Kold, Kallous. Italian-bred, soccer-loving, all-time great NBA player.

Where to find him: The gymnasium at 5 am, The weight room at 7 am, The gymnasum again at 9 am, Pretending to get along with teammates during Spike Lee documentaries, Berating, alienating and hogging the ball from teammates the other 81 games (plus playoffs), Turkish Airlines commercials, Colorado hotel rooms

Teams: His old buddy Ronaldinho’s former team, FC Barcelona. US Men’s National team. 

American connection(s): Kobe represented the USA as part of the Redeem Team that captured the gold medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympics and averaged 15 points per game while shooting .462 percent. In the championship game, he scored 20 points and dished out 6 assists against a Spain team led by Lakers teammate and fellow Barca fan, Pau Gasol.

Although he remains Los Angeles’s most popular athlete, Kobe polarizes the rest of American sports fans. Love him or hate him, he is a great basketball player and soccer fan. 

Photo subject: Coddled frontrunner who has never experienced failure because he carefully orchestrates his life so as to avoid disappointment. Resplendent in defending Champions League and La Liga champion FC Barcelona jersey and 27-time World Series champion New York Yankees’ hat. Perusing George Steinbrenner commemorative merchandise after a quick meal at the world’s most successful and richest restaurant chain.  Where to find him: In the first base field box at Yankee Stadium, on the Camp Nou Experience tour, using a Fastpass card to avoid the line for Space Mountain, comfortably seated near the stage at a Coldplay concert, reenacting scenes from the Hangover at the Caesars in Las Vegas, listening to Drake on Z100 in his yellow ‘05 Mustang, laughing at the new ‘Entourage’ episode Team: The aforementioned Best Team Ever, FC Barcelona, Més que un club American connection(s): Each summer Barcelona tours the world to play other prominent clubs and expand their billion-dollar brand. This year, Barca barnstormed the US and played Manchester United in DC, AC Milan in Miami and Club América in Dallas. Yet, despite being the most popular club in Europe and boasting more Facebook fans than any team in the world (more than 12 million), el azulgrana was unable to kick the ball around on the National Mall near the White House thanks to an intrepid park ranger enforcing a law that prohibits large groups from assembling. 

Photo subject: Coddled frontrunner who has never experienced failure because he carefully orchestrates his life so as to avoid disappointment. Resplendent in defending Champions League and La Liga champion FC Barcelona jersey and 27-time World Series champion New York Yankees’ hat. Perusing George Steinbrenner commemorative merchandise after a quick meal at the world’s most successful and richest restaurant chain. 

Where to find him: In the first base field box at Yankee Stadium, on the Camp Nou Experience tour, using a Fastpass card to avoid the line for Space Mountain, comfortably seated near the stage at a Coldplay concert, reenacting scenes from the Hangover at the Caesars in Las Vegas, listening to Drake on Z100 in his yellow ‘05 Mustang, laughing at the new ‘Entourage’ episode

Team: The aforementioned Best Team Ever, FC Barcelona, Més que un club

American connection(s): Each summer Barcelona tours the world to play other prominent clubs and expand their billion-dollar brand. This year, Barca barnstormed the US and played Manchester United in DC, AC Milan in Miami and Club América in Dallas. Yet, despite being the most popular club in Europe and boasting more Facebook fans than any team in the world (more than 12 million), el azulgrana was unable to kick the ball around on the National Mall near the White House thanks to an intrepid park ranger enforcing a law that prohibits large groups from assembling. 


Photo subject: LA CHICHARITA, pumped that Javier Hernandez has blown up. Where to find her: Crammed among 70,000 other screaming Mexico supporters at an 80,000-seat stadium in Los Angeles, Philadelphia or Chicago during a Mexico/United States match in which the US is ostensibly the home team. Team: Mexican National Team, 2011 Gold Cup Champions and focus of Tim Howard’s nationalistic rants American connection: Our soccer archrival. Mexico and the United States share a 1,969 mile border, which is the most frequently crossed in the world. They are the CONCACAF bullies, each with a population roughly 200 times greater than any other nation in the region.  They are thus natural enemies. Although the US knocked El Tri out of the 2002 World Cup Finals in the Round of 16, Mexico owns the all-time series 33-15-2. Most of their wins were compiled before 1994, however. The US has never won a match on Mexican soil. Mexican food is the best, people of Mexican descent comprise more than 10% of the US population, and the US honors Mexican culture on May 5. Yet, many Americans, including prominent (though screwy) politicians, are unabashedly prejudiced against Mexicans, adding an unfortunate nationalist edge to the matches (Again, see: otherwise sane Tim Howard).

Photo subject: LA CHICHARITA, pumped that Javier Hernandez has blown up.

Where to find her: Crammed among 70,000 other screaming Mexico supporters at an 80,000-seat stadium in Los Angeles, Philadelphia or Chicago during a Mexico/United States match in which the US is ostensibly the home team.

Team: Mexican National Team, 2011 Gold Cup Champions and focus of Tim Howard’s nationalistic rants

American connection: Our soccer archrival. Mexico and the United States share a 1,969 mile border, which is the most frequently crossed in the world. They are the CONCACAF bullies, each with a population roughly 200 times greater than any other nation in the region.  They are thus natural enemies.

Although the US knocked El Tri out of the 2002 World Cup Finals in the Round of 16, Mexico owns the all-time series 33-15-2. Most of their wins were compiled before 1994, however. The US has never won a match on Mexican soil.

Mexican food is the best, people of Mexican descent comprise more than 10% of the US population, and the US honors Mexican culture on May 5. Yet, many Americans, including prominent (though screwy) politicians, are unabashedly prejudiced against Mexicans, adding an unfortunate nationalist edge to the matches (Again, see: otherwise sane Tim Howard).

Photo subjects: Handsome, mysterious, suave, artistic, perfectly coifed and facial-haired, lady-killing frontrunners

Where to find them: Where ever your girlfriend was waiting while you were in the bathroom 

Team: Spanish Men’s National Team. La Selección. La Furia Roja. 

American connection: In 1898, the US routed Spain in the Spanish-American War, took Cuba, Puerto Rico and the Philippines, officially ended the faded Spanish Empire and plunged Spaniards into a deep malaise. Then, in 2009 the US snapped the Spanish National Team’s record 15-game winning streak and record-tying 35-game unbeaten streak at the Confederations Cup in South Africa.

More than a century after the “Splendid Little War” humiliation, Spain finally reclaimed international prominence by winning the 2010 World Cup. Three months ago, Spain avenged their earlier loss to the US when a squad full of substitutes dominated the Yanks at Gillette Stadium. 

Photo subject: Joyful, Optimistic, Patriotic, Clutching water bottle full of wine Where to find him: Barbecues, Irish pubs at 10:30 am to catch Fulham games, Between stages at Lollapalooza, Chicago, Illinois Team: US Men’s National Team, punisher of Caribbean nations with populations equal to that of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Player represented: Creative striker/rapper Clint Dempsey, the most daring American international and only drawling, mildly talented lyricist to score in two different World Cups. American connection(s): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Di8QT98Zk

Photo subject: Joyful, Optimistic, Patriotic, Clutching water bottle full of wine

Where to find him: Barbecues, Irish pubs at 10:30 am to catch Fulham games, Between stages at Lollapalooza, Chicago, Illinois

Team: US Men’s National Team, punisher of Caribbean nations with populations equal to that of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Player represented: Creative striker/rapper Clint Dempsey, the most daring American international and only drawling, mildly talented lyricist to score in two different World Cups.

American connection(s): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Di8QT98Zk

Portrait subject: Anglophile/indie rap fan/hipster Location: The Cool Kids’ set at Lollapalooza Musc Festival, Chicago, Illinois Team: Everton F.C., perpetual 7th-place finishers in the English Premier League American connection(s): Starting goalkeeper Tim Howard is from New Jersey and used to play for the NY/NJ MetroStars. Landon Donovan starred in 10 games on loan from LA Galaxy.  

Portrait subject: Anglophile/indie rap fan/hipster

Location: The Cool Kids’ set at Lollapalooza Musc Festival, Chicago, Illinois

Team: Everton F.C., perpetual 7th-place finishers in the English Premier League

American connection(s): Starting goalkeeper Tim Howard is from New Jersey and used to play for the NY/NJ MetroStars. Landon Donovan starred in 10 games on loan from LA Galaxy.